Well the end of 2012 Ended in a Sad yet Happy way.
I say sad because so much happened near the end of the year. Some people who i was close to like family where no longer in my life, sadly i know why it happened but i saw it as they were placed in my life for a reason & yes till this day I miss the daily talks but I smile now cause they taught me so much & helped me through some tough times & if it wasn't for them i probably wouldn't have gotten through them.
Then my grandpa got very sick & was rushed to the hospital things were looking very bad & my family was at a breaking point. That night I felt like my world was going to come crashing down on me but I had to stay strong for my family especially my grandma & grandpa at that time. They needed me to be strong and as much as i wanted to just break down i couldn't. They admitted him & he was there for a few weeks Dr's told us there were giving him a few weeks to a month or more to be with us & they sent him home right before Christmas on Hospice. I was so happy to have him home after all those nights both my aunt & myself stayed over night by his side at the hospital it was so good to have him home. I remember the night after he was rushed to the hospital i came home and showered around 11pm and took a hot shower and just cried and prayed while in the shower for god to just be at my grandpas side and let him be okay and to be with my family at this time and when i got out the shower i dried off and at that moment i looked back into the shower and i saw on the shower wall a silhouette of a guardian angel at that moment i dropped to my knees and started crying and praying. My uncle was asleep and so was my grandma so i took a photo so i could show them as soon as i woke up. The next morning i showed my grandma and she broke down crying saying before her mom passed away she told her that my grandpa was always my grandmas angel. We showed my grandpa he cried and showed the family and his nurses they all said he has a guardian angel at his side right now it was a beautiful thing. We had a amazing blessed and happy Christmas with my grandpa and family. I never heard as many laughs nor seen as many smiles as i did on Christmas eve and after that. My grandpa has smiled and cried since hes been home. It been a rough time but i am cherishing every moment I have left with him.
Since he's now on hospice I help him with so much as does my grandma and uncle. It hasn't been easy we have some very rough days and at those times we just want to break down and cry but we cant we have to stay strong to push through because we know its only going to get harder from here. Its now 2013 and this year i don't know what it holds I'm taking it all a day at a time cause that's all i can do is take it a day at a time and cherish every second of it with family especially my grandpa. Those who really know me know that my grandparents mean The World to me and i don't know what i would do with out them. We have had a wonderful experience with Hospice so far they are so caring and my grandpa has some wonderful nurses who come by twice a week to see him. They also are here for myself and my family through this. Within the next 2 weeks my grandpa wants my grandma to go take care of his funeral arrangements so that they are taken care of when he does pass. For me that makes me scared and sad because in my head I'm thinking once he knows its all taken care of and knows everything is done he will say okay hes done fighting and I'm so SCARED of that, yes i know NO ONE is Ever Ready for it nor prepared but i don't want to lose him I sit here crying as i type this because I'm so scared to lose the man who's been a father to me growing up my grandpa but i know i don't want him to suffer and i cant be selfish and want to have him this way but I'm scared to lose him. I know hes tired and i think that's why hes fighting cause hes worried about what will happen to my grandma and myself and family. My grandma is his soul mate they have been married 50Years and the marriage they have is the marriage I want someday because they have a strong love that is so rare these days. Why am i bawling my eyes out right now?!?!?!?! i feel so weak and vulnerable every time the thought of losing my grandpa pops into my mind because i don't want that day to come and all this talk about arrangements make me so sad and emotional. I just want to scream right now
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
OKAY Sorry just needed to let it out right now.
Well I am also trying to focus on myself while going through this tough time. I figured out a way to release some stress and that's by working out and kicking my butt twice as hard because I Will Get To Where I Want To Be & This Year I will get to a good spot on my own doing this. I am so proud of myself and where I'm at right now with losing weight, yes i know i could be in a better place but hell I've come a long way already and at this point some will have said "shes still is going, i would've thought she would've given up by now!" NOPE I am NOT Giving Up because I am determined to reach my goal and I know i will!!
Okay well enough for me crying and going on but I will leave you all with this quote that has helped me some with what i am going through right now and I hope it helps you if your going through a rough time right now.
"And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you wont be the same person who walked in."
